We thought you were smarter, Legolas
by Paper Crane
Summary: Yup, another Mary Sue parody. You lucky people... Come, see Legolas look like a fish!


A/N: This is a Mary Sue parody that was written while I was extremely bored one day during study hall. Sad to say, most of the things I've put in here I have actually seen in one fan fiction or another. Just to clarify, there are three things going on in here, there's the narration, there's the author of this supposed fic, and there's the Reading Audience, who makes snarky comments. Oh, and please don't get offended by this. It's just a parody, and I'm sure that none of the authors on this site are as thick as the one who is portrayed here. Okay.  
  
Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: Me? Own Lord of the Rings? In your dreams! Well actually, in mine…  
Legolas walks through the depths of Mirkwood. He is hot and sweaty, not to mention hot. He has just been fighting orcs that have been attacking the forest. Don't worry, orcs attacking Mirkwood is perfectly normal. It doesn't matter that there are giant spiders or other bad things hiding in the deep shadows of the forest. Orcs are the most creative thing the author can think of.  
  
Anyway, as he walks back to the palace, he hears singing. Not just any singing, though. Legolas has never heard anything like this singing. This singing is unearthly in its beauty. It puts the nightingales to shame. It makes the music of the Ainur sound like Barry Manilow.  
  
"Hark, what doeth I heareth?" gasps the Elvin prince, effectively displaying the author's expertise at SOE. "It soundeth as thougheth someone is singing. Eth."  
  
"No way!" screams the Reading Audience. Legolas does not hear them, and decides to go nancing off the path into the forest. Never mind the fact that if you go off the forest path, most likely you won't get back on the path, even if you are an elf. Something seems to be drawing him off the path into the forest, and most likely into a spider's web. Could it, could it be love?   
  
Suddenly, he comes into a random clearing. There, sitting next to a pond, was a singing orc.  
  
"Ha! Fooled ya, didn't I?" exclaims the author. "You actually thought I would put an orc in my story! Ha! Don't worry, I didn't. Orcs are icky! You silly people!"  
  
The Reading Audience rolls their eyes.  
  
Anyway, sitting next to the pond was an elf-maiden of beauty that is surpassed by no one. Or something like that. Anyway, she was really pretty. Her hair was long and shining, and ran down her back in rich locks of gold. Of course, her hair also had highlights that were red, brown, silver, black, blue, and if you squint really hard, green. Her eyes were large and expressive. In fact, they were so expressive that they showed exactly what was going on inside the maiden's head. So most of the time they held a blank stare. They were unmistakably blue in color, except they were also brown, green, grey, violet, pink, or mauve, depending on what color shirt the author was wearing when any given chapter was written. Her lips were like rose pedals, they would occasionally rot and fall off.   
  
"Just kidding!" laughs the author again. "You people are really dumb!"  
  
The listening audience growls  
  
Her skin was as white and delicate as porcelain usually, but she had just gotten back from the tanning booth, so now it was a healthy bronze. Her body was slim, yet well toned and muscular. She was small for an elf, but she was also tall. All in all she was totally ravishing, utterly stunning, greatly gorgeous, completely captivating, perfectly pretty-  
  
"Stop it with the annoying adjectives!" screams the Reading Audience. The author blinks, shrugs, then continues.  
  
Anyway, Legolas thought she was real pretty too. In fact, when he sees her, his mouth drops open. He looks like a fish. She doesn't seem to notice him, though. She just keeps singing to her reflection in the pond.   
  
"I feel pretty," she sings, "oh so pretty…"  
  
"Shut your mouth, Legolas," the Reading Audience suggests. He does so, then speaks.  
  
"What beeth your nameth, faireth maidenest?" asks the Prince. The elf looks up at him with huge, random colored eyes.  
  
"I am sorryeth, but my nameth is not something I canneth tellest ye," she explains.  
  
"Whyest not?" asks the Prince. The maiden sighs and closes her eyes as if in pain.  
  
"I am sorryeth," says Legolas. "I didest not meaneth to causeth ye pain. Are thou being hauntedeth by some darketh force, and toeth reveal your name be asking for deathesteth?"  
  
The elf maiden's face changes from pained to annoyed. "No. The reason I can't tell you my name," she snaps, "is because my name sounds as though the author sprinkled corn on a keyboard and let a hen peck it out. It's completely unpronounceable."  
  
"Actually," says the author, "I dropped my copy of the one ring on the keyboard multiple times and let it pick out the letters. I wanted it to be authentic."  
  
The Reading Audience begins to bang their heads against a wall.  
  
"You can call me Arwgladluthrosgoldenadrielienberry, though, because it sounds vaguely Elfish." The elf's snappish attitude drops, and she goes back into a soft, misty, melodic, and utterly unrealistic voice. "Oh, butest dear prince, you musteth help me! I ameth in grave dangerest! My home haseth been destroyed byeth orcs, and I fear they willeth be coming foreth me next!" With this, she throws herself into Legolas's arms.  
  
Legolas is pretty surprised by now. His mouth has dropped open. Again, he looks like a fish. He has dropped his bow, and when the elf maiden flies into his arms, he drops her too.  
  
"Smooth, Legolas. Real smooth," comments the Reading Audience.  
  
Dusting herself off, Arwegolg- Arglaro- Aragoon- oh, you know, that girl, snaps again. "Listen, buddy, I've got a whole slew of problems. My father wants me to marry against my will, I am so unladylike my mother despairs as to what will happen to me, I am so tomboyish no man would ever think of marrying me, I am so beautiful every man wants me, but I want no one, I have a list of dark secrets as long as your arm, I have a large assortment of evil jewelry that must be destroyed, and I just lost one of my contacts. On the other hand…" she smiles sweetly and bats her eyelashes, " I am so by God gorgeous that I make Galadriel look like a llama, Arwen look like a turkey, and Luthien Tinuviel look like a weasel. I have a total of forty seven magic powers, including the abilities to fly, read minds, turn invisible, talk to animals, turn things into jelly, make sausages fall out of the sky, and shoot golf balls out my nose. I have such a beautiful singing voice, I am often mistaken for one of the Valar. And speaking of the Valar, I can trace my ancestry back to at least ten of them. I am also Arwen's sister, Elrond's daughter, Aragorn's sister in law, Galadriel's granddaughter, and Feanor's great, great niece.   
  
"Wow!" gasps the Reading Audience, "that family tree actually works out! Maybe this author has read the books…"  
  
"In case you couldn't tell," states the author, "I just made that family tree up. There's no way someone could be related to all those people!"  
  
The Reading Audience rolls its eyes.  
  
"I can wield a weapon better than any warrior," the maiden continues. "I can hit a target when it's ten miles away in the dead of night, I can slay ten orcs with one slash of my sword, and I can kill a balrog with a single stick while hopping up and down on one foot while singing "Copacabana". Oh, and if that's not enough, I can make one mean banana cream pie. But listen, if you don't want to fall in love with me and let me turn you into a sentimental, poetry spewing, cuddling, out of character, worthless lump, then that's fine. I'll go find Haldir or Aragorn or someone." With this, the maiden flounces away.  
  
"Hubba-hah-wha?" gasps Legolas, looking like a fish who had just been caught on a hook. "Hey, hey, wait! Come back! Don't go!" With this cry, he runs off after the maiden. " I looooooooooove you!"  
  
"We thought you were smarter then that, Legolas," sighs the Reading Audience, pushing the "back" button.  
  
END  
AN: Like it? Hate it? Review and let me know! Oh, and Shauna, the sausage is for you. ^_^ 


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